Thursday, July 31, 2014

Attraction vs. Infatuation vs. Lust vs. Short-Term Dating

For me, the most difficult part about internally and externally "normalizing" my sexuality was having to learn, in a very short period of time, how to manage and identify opportunities for sex, friendship and romance.

I think when most people come out, they're overwhelmed with the possibilities and drunk on finally being able to act on the impulses they've spent so many years trying to ignore.  In other words, like the kids in college who never drank in high school, they end up playing "catch up"--but instead of binging on alcohol, they bone anything with a pulse and a v-neck shirt: Grindr hook ups, random tricks from the bar, assholes, people in relationships, "str8 guys", etc.

That was my experience.  I hooked up with dudes merely because I could.  At some point though, after I had gone through the slutty-teenaged-girl phase, I remember I wanted to make real connections with guys.  But it wasn't so simple for me.  I didn't have the dating experience that heteros have while going through puberty.  So, I had to start from scratch, learning how to identify characteristics and traits that would help me figure out whether I was crushing on a guy or lusting for him or really just needed to be friends with him.

I've met guys whom I thought I wanted to date, only to realize they were only good for a fuck or a tug.  I've made friends with guys whom I thought I only wanted to bang but ended up becoming really good friends with.  It's hard being gay and creating relationships with other gays, platonic or romantic.  I see a hot guy and my immediate thought is, "Shit, bet he knows how to arch that back."  And so sometimes this tension exists that really confuses me and affects my ability to connect with guys on a real level.

Fast forward to today, and I still don't think I've figured it all out.  For the past few weeks I've been chillin' with a dude, but I don't know what category he falls in: friend, fuck, boyfriend material (whether I'm ready for a legit relationship is a different story).  We've only done the dirty twice, and if I'm being completely honest with myself, there's nothing that really draws me to him.  He's funny, sharp, intelligent--the qualities that qualify someone as dating material, but there's a certain x-factor that he lacks.

It's not really there for me, but then I wonder if short-term dating is something I need to experience.  Sounds self serving for sure, but at the same time, I gotta keep it real with this dude.  I don't wanna become one of those gays who cheats on his boyfriend.  On the flip side, I'm worried that maybe I'm still in a 20-something mentality where I'm just looking for the next best thing.  Maybe this dude is exactly what I'm looking for.

Or maybe I'm trying to make it into something it's not meant to be.  If I cut this guy loose, not that we're exclusive or anything, I think I'd be doing him a huge favor anyway.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

A Night on the Town: The Measure of a True Bro

Let's kill this three week hiatus, shall we?

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of juggling work, a new dude (we'll save that for another post) and most recently, a 4th of July visit from my best bro from college.  It was a last minute trip for him, but goddamn did we make it count.

We met in the dorms freshman year and ended up living together the rest of college.  When he and I get together, it's straight up shenanigans and non-stop hilaaaaarious (Dave Chappelle/Nick Cannon anyone?)  He was the first guy friend I came out to, and even though I was on the verge of blackout when I told him, I'll never forget that night.  I always knew he was a good friend, but everything he said was the type of shit you'd want to hear from any bro.  That night was the most emotional I've been in years.  But in all seriousness, I'd fuckin' ride for this kid any day.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

A Tale of Two Homos

Every morning while I ride the bus to work, I do four things: listen to hoodrat beats with heavy bass to get myself pumped for the day, practice my Spanish with DuoLingo (typing only), scan through CNN headlines and catch up on my social media.  Today I learned (or TIL for you Reddit nerds) that the first guy I ever spent the night with, i.e. first dude I let sleep with me after a hook up, would be coming to my city at the end of the month.  Fond and not-so-fond memories flooded back to me in an instant.  While reminiscing about this dude was nice, the revelation that followed was much more satisfying.

I'll refer to him as Window Climber--WC for short--because my favorite memory of WC is forcing him to climb out my second-story window in the morning so my four college room mates, who were also Fraternity brothers, wouldn't wake up.  To be honest, I made WC leave so early in the morning that it wouldn't have mattered how much noise he made had he taken the stairs; my room mates would have still been slaughtered from the previous night's drinking.

In honor of America's victory over Ghana.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

You looking bro?

After months of contemplating starting a blog, I've finally pulled the trigger.  In a sea of anonymous 'closet homo' and 'gay bro' themes, I imagine my perspective and my thoughts on here will overlap with a lot of the sentiments you'll read on other blogs.  That said, I hope my ramblings offer some insightful takeaways for others who might be in the same position as I am (I am not a unique snowflake).  But ultimately, this is for me--an outlet for the ruminations that I'd rather not bore my friends with.

I'm 25.  Left home to live in a big city.  I have a good job, a healthy social life and a corporate discount at my local gym.  I began the arduous process of coming out about a year ago, taking my sweet ass time with telling the people in my life.  A handful knows I'm into dudes, and I'm sure plenty more suspect something's up.  Like every other guy on Grindr, I'm #masc...I drink beer and whiskey, use monikers like "bro" and "dude" in everyday conversation, lift weights and am often referred to as a bro.

But there's a lot more to me than that, bro.  And that's part of what inspired me to start No, Not Looking.  If you love the occasional sweaty romp like I do, you're familiar with the cadence of the words "looking" and "not looking".  The former--looking to fuck.  The latter--not looking to fuck, no real agenda and possibly, looking for something more substantial.

So that's me.  Not looking for something mundane--but looking for more...clarity on my own life, perspective on what it's like for a gay dude who doesn't define himself by sexuality and an understanding of why the fuck I (and countless others) think so much about being a homo, and why sometimes it even bothers me.

So here we go.